I remember being told fairly frequently that when my children were babies that I should make them go to sleep in their own crib and let them cry themselves to sleep. The parenting books said I shouldn't pick them up every time they cried and that it wasn't good to coddle them. "They" said that they would become dependant on me and be clingy, and I would regret it. My instincts (or perhaps my empathy) told me otherwise.
Well, I carried my babies around constantly. They were literally strapped to me in a carrier like a sling for as long as they wanted to be there. I nursed them when ever and where ever they wanted and only one child of the 5 ever drank from a bottle. Not one ever had a pacifier. They went straight from the breast to a cup. Each as a baby slept in our bed most of the time and I always rocked them to sleep before I would lay them down in their own bed. They went with me everywhere, almost always. I just felt it was important to meet their needs while they were young and that if I did, they would be able to move into Independence with their early needs satisfied, when they were ready. It just felt more right. I gave up a lot to be there for them 24/7. But I loved it so much.
Now here it is 14, almost 15 years from the last baby and I'm fighting to keep connections with my independent children. Now I work full time 5 days a week and they manage their own time, their own rides, their own schedules, their own laundry, often their own meals. (We do try to get in a dinner around the table together as often as possible, but it certainly doesn't happen as often as it used to.) "checking in with mom" is a token that they still love me, but is hardly needed, it's more of a courtesy, like we are roommates. . .
Clingy? Are you kidding me? These kids have been independent since age 2. Trouble getting them to leave me to go to nursery? Never had a problem. 1st day of school. Most exciting day of their lives. Yes they check in with me. They bounce ideas off me and ask questions, but their dependence has oh so quickly shifted. They rely on themselves and each other and God more than they do on me. I miss being needed in that way sometimes. Maybe that's just a mis-perception on my part but, that's how it seems to me. Why would I want it any other way? I've made my share of mistakes as anyone has, but today I'm grateful for two things.
First: Having the time I did the 1st 10 years while raising my little ones to be with them; as poor as we were and as hard as it was sometimes. It was so worth it!
Second: Having a house full of wonderful adults (given a couple are still teenagers, but the time is flying) that I love, and love spending time with and being a small part of their lives still. I love being around my kids and their friends. I'm so grateful for our experiences together, good and bad. I'm excited as I anticipate having future "in-laws" that they will start bring into the family.
We're still on the journey of motherhood -I know it never ends, but I like this phase, where we can mostly just be friends learning together.
Dr. Spock - Thanks for the advise, but no thanks, I did it my way and like the results just fine!
